I’m dropping out of graduate school.
How does someone word that without sounding overly dramatic? I haven’t quite figured that out yet. Maybe a more appropriate phrase would be “taking a semester off.” No matter how I word it though, the fact remains that as of Monday, I am no longer a graduate student working on my masters in communication disorders.
It’s funny, because the last time I blogged, I mentioned how I wasn’t sure I even wanted to be in graduate school. Well, here we are four months later and I decided. Those who have been around me a lot in the past few months are well aware of one main thing about my life: I’ve been miserable. School has sucked any sort of joy completely out of my life. And I’m trying really hard to not sound dramatic when I say this. I have not been happy. Part of me knew why I wasn’t happy, but the rest of me didn’t want to admit to it, because admitting it meant admitting that I’d made a mistake. Let me tell you, it is really hard to admit you’ve made a mistake when it influences everything your life is currently based on. So I tried to deal with it and push the other thoughts to the back of my mind and focus on things like “well you graduate with a masters in 2016, yay!” It didn’t work.
Over the past couple of weeks, anytime anybody asked me when I head back to school, I would give a brief “The 12th, I don’t want to talk about it” answer and quickly change the subject. The thought of going back to school filled me with so much dread. – and not the normal “ugh” that everyone feels with the start of a new semester. This was pure dread at returning to classes, therapy sessions, and my GRA. Dread because there was no light at the end of the tunnel for me. I finally let myself think the words, “I don’t want to do this with the rest of my life,” and that was just kind of it. There’s no going back when you let yourself think the thought you’ve been avoiding for five months.
I never thought I’d be the person who was taking a semester off of school. But here I am, and honestly, I’ve never felt so much relief in my life. The hardest part of making the decision was having to tell everyone — because although in the long-run, it shouldn’t matter what other people think, we all know that in some capacity it matters to all of us. I couldn’t bear to disappoint people or have anyone think anything less of me because I’m not getting my masters (at least in speech). And then I realized that my happiness matters way, way more than feeling the need to prove myself to anyone (something I struggle with daily). So here we are. I’m confident in God’s plan for me, and that this is part of it. What’s next, I’m not quite sure of, but I know what’s now and that’s what matters. Thanks for reading :)
ETA to anyone who reads the post below this: don’t worry I’m not leaving school to work at AE for the rest of my life ;)